The Need for "Creeping"

I had a moment a few weeks ago when I was in my communication theory class amidst discussion of social media and its role in uncertainty reduction theory. Some might call this an "aha" moment. I would call it "that moment where the practical intersects with the theoretical" -- where the stuff normally reserved for academics and large, overpriced books finds its way into your life and is suddenly applicable. I finally realized why people engage in this activity we so fondly and aptly label "creeping'" -- that is, "Facebook creeping."

When you consider the "Facebook creeping" phenomenon, the first thought that probably comes to mind is "stalker." The second thought is probably, "Except for me... Because I do it," which is a more accurate observation. Not all who wander around the intricate web that is Facebook are lost. No, no. In fact, more than anything, they are just giving into their intrinsic need to gather information about others. Let me drop some knowledge on ya.

You see, in the context of communication, humans gather information about others (acquaintances, potential love interests, coworkers, etc.) because they seek to reduce uncertainty about those "others", whoever they may be. A certain Mr. Berger developed this concept, which, in a very, very small nutshell, hammers down to the fact that people want to be able to predict the behaviors of others because this enables them to then build a relationship (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011). Once solely confined to face-to-face interactions, the development of the Internet, and subsequently, social media, has led to people venturing online to reduce uncertainty rather than relying on their in-person interactions, observations, and overall questionings.

Facebook, therefore, is the perfect medium on which to pursue this basic need of ours. Between the thousands of photographs, incessant posting, and chat capabilities, Facebook's features end up being an important tool in reducing uncertainty about others. Consider this: you meet a cutie at a bar, have zero mutual friends, and end the night knowing only his/her first and last name. Whether you care to admit it or not, you'll probably look up this bar fly on Facebook (or at least one other social networking site) and immediately sift through his/her interests, photographs, posts, and mutual friend list. You might even resort to Facebook messaging this person and having an online sober chat, much unlike your initial interaction. As you use your sleuth skills, you might ask yourself: Does this person constantly post depressing statuses about how his/her life sucks? Are all of this person's photographs of drunken escapades and borderline inappropriate revelries? Is your single mutual friend that one douchie person you knew from high school? What does that douchie person you knew from high school say about this person? Immediately, we began to create a picture of who this person is, and use this information in order to predict that person's behavior, and ultimately, decide whether to build a relationship with this person, or, in some instances, further a relationship with this person. (Hopefully not, if you actually met a person like this...)

Of course, there will always be the same argument that comes up when we discuss the transition from offline interactions to online interactions: inevitably, things could get lost in translation, be misrepresented, or just ultimately, lack many of the nonverbal forms of communication necessary to more-completely get one's point across -- and these are all valid points. Yet, one could argue (and there is research to back this up) that the overload of information that social media sites (especially Facebook) provides us with sometimes serve to make up for the lack of nonverbal communication or the possibility for misrepresentation.

Regardless, Facebook creepin' is not a perfect science, nor is it anywhere close to being the perfect and single representation of a human being -- especially considering that we humans do not exist solely on our beloved Interwebs. We do exist offline, in real life. However, at least there is some sort of reason behind our inclination to "creep," and maybe next time, we might wear that "creep" badge with pride.

Or not.

References:

Littlejohn, S.W., & Foss, K.A. (2011) The Conversation. In Theories of Human Communication (10th ed.) (pp.180-182). Illinois: Waveland Press, Inc.

TMI: How Much is Too Much?

Thanks for letting me know.
http://tbonecafe.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/social-media-explained.jpg

When I first started my blog, it was meant to document my seemingly hopeless pursuit in job hunting as a post-grad and the subsequent transition from college life to, sigh, real life. While unemployed, my most controversial posts consisted of what type of cookies I baked that day and my success at avoiding kitchen fires. However, with each post, I often faced the question of deciding what to share from my life. What would prove most post-worthy or relatable? What did the readers want? After all, I only had so much from my personal life that was even anecdotal enough to warrant publishing on my blog.

Once caught in the middle of my job search, though, and then later, when finding an actual job, I realized that I couldn't impetuously or haphazardly post to my blog like I did before. There were certain details now that I was working (and continue to work) that just weren't suitable for posting online -- not because they were inappropriate, but because they compromised professionalism. Despite wanting to give you, my readers, an authentic view into my life with all of its details (for better or worse), disclosing certain aspects about what was currently going on in my life (i.e. how things were going with my employer or even potential future plans with a different employer) could put me in a risky position.

All of this led me to thinking about sharing information in an era where over-sharing (much like a certain degree of narcissism) seems to be the norm. Certainly, giving readers access to every minutiae of your life establishes authenticity, insight and a connection -- yet, there needs to be a line drawn somewhere, right? How can you maintain some semblance of privacy in 2013, when all you need is a little strategic sleuthing to pull up pages and pages of information on a particular person?

Obviously by writing a blog I am opening up parts of my life for public consumption. At the same time, though, I can't open up every single part of my life for the taking. If I were to post about resuming my job search while currently at my job, well, that is just a bad idea. Certain things need to be kept under wraps for the simple reason that sharing these things could risk not only current opportunities, but future opportunities. I constantly read tweets, status updates and view Instagrams that sometimes border on too much. Yeah, there are the annoying posts that reveal intimate family moments, egregious and unfounded personal opinions and overall, questionable taste in judgement. I've seen tweets from funerals, Instagrams of half-naked bodies, and Facebook status updates letting me know of people's every single action from sunrise to sundown. For the most part, these things are harmless, albeit sorta tacky. However, these sorts of posts are not the ones that concern me the most . What about the posts where you rant about your boss? Or the millions of tweets you post while you're in the middle of an important meeting? Or an Instagram of you celebrating getting that new job -- when you already have a job?

Just because we can post with the click of the button doesn't mean we always should. Your Twitter/Facebook/Instagram needs to reflect some process of thoughtful curating. Yes, I understand this suggests a bit of manipulation: only showing things that we are permitting the public to see. But what exactly is wrong with that? Aren't we all entitled to a bit of privacy? And even more so, aren't we all entitled to you keeping things private from us? (There are certain things I don't need to know, folks.) I think we could all benefit from exercising a bit more discretion.

Again, this is not to say that we need to lose that element of authenticity from our lives and from our social media platforms, but I think that there is a reason "TMI" has become so integrated into our everyday vernacular. With crotch-shots being a regular facet in tabloids these days, it's clear that our society has blurred the line between what should be considered private and public. Social media platforms have only confounded this issue even more, as each facet encourages constant use and egotism. Maybe people do want to know more rather than less, but I think that ultimately, they want authenticity. They want to know that the person behind the posts is real and they're being thoughtful -- that what we choose to share with each other is a result of wanting to make genuine connections. The moments/opinions we choose to share online are a reflection of ourselves online, so I guess my last question is, what do we want our online-selves to say about our offline-selves?

As an avid-Tweeter (perhaps, even over-Tweeter), I know that a little self-reflection on the matter will probably benefit myself, future opportunities and most definitely, the people who are reading my tweets. Sorry guys!

When "Unfriending" Gets Personal

from everydaypeoplecartoons.com

When things go sour offline, should you make a change online? This is the sort of question I pondered as I realized that some of my Facebook friends were less “friend” and more “frenemy” of sorts. These people, once an integral and involved part of my life, now had drifted towards mere association and, to cue Gotye, perhaps even somebody that I used to know. They had at times been privy to my innermost secrets, thoughts and opinions, were up-to-date on all of the happenings of my life and shared many an inane inside joke with me. But now? The only entity dubbing us “friends” and maintaining that pseudo-connection was Facebook. So do I keep up the illusion of a friendship via internet or sever the Facebook ties?

I’m sure, if you’ve read a few of my posts, you would classify this as “classic Angela – overanalyzing a simple situation,” but in this age of overexposure, where everything in your life seems to be offered up for public consumption, I feel as though this is a legitimate question.

Let’s take Facebook (and other social media platforms in general) out of the equation for a minute. Let’s think back to when “poking” required actual physical contact and, in order to find out what your friends were up to, you actually had to speak to them and ask them what they were up to. If you were to part ways with a friend or eventually fade from each other’s lives, that friend would no longer have access to the details of your life: where you were last weekend, whom you’re dating, what your thoughts are on Kimye’s bun in the oven. With Facebook? You can go your separate ways and still know exactly what the other person is doing all day every day just by glimpsing at your news feed.

But do they deserve to know? When you no longer play a role in that former friend’s life, should they really be allowed to know that you just entered into a relationship with someone new? That you celebrated a new promotion? That your goldfish died and you are in mourning? These are moments and experiences that you tend to want to share with the most important people in your lives – friends, yes; frenemies, no. I find it a little harrowing sometimes that people with whom I’m not very close can know so much about me without even needing to talk to me. Granted, maybe that’s a sign I should change my privacy settings or even whittle down my friend pool. However, I think, in terms of cutting ties with old friends, that it might just be another step to letting go and accepting the end of a friendship.

It is really difficult when you reach the end of a friendship with someone – whether due to mistakes made, transitioning through different parts of life or because you’ve grown apart – and I think it can be just as difficult to sever that tie online. This is the last remaining tie to that person. At the same time, if they (or you) have chosen not to be a part of your (their) life, then maybe that means they should no longer have access to the online equivalent of your life.  After all, if they wouldn’t hear about it from you personally in conversation, then maybe they shouldn’t be able to hear about it from an online source. Sounds a bit like Facebook is a gossip monger, spreading news to people who wouldn’t hear about it otherwise if not for Facebook’s big mouth!

Okay, but I digress. I suppose my only hesitation in “unfriending” is the inevitable implications – that I am being dramatic about the ending of said friendship, that the other person would even notice (or that I even show up on my former friend’s news feed), or maybe that it might even add fuel to the fire (a fire I don't want to re-ignite or make worse - seriously). I am sad enough that I even need to contemplate this with people I once considered best friends, but like I said before, it just might need to be part of accepting and respecting their wishes and moving on. I don’t know.

What I do know is that if friendship is defined as “a friendly relation or intimacy” (thanks dictionary.com), then Facebook friendships are certainly stretching that definition. When your relation with someone is no longer friendly nor intimate, then it might be time to “unfriend,” and prohibit that person’s access to details that they would only get if they still were friendly and intimate.

Ah, yes – if this doesn’t make you long for simpler times, then I don’t know what will. Maybe one day, you and those former friends (and former Facebook friends) will find a way back to each other again and move past things offline and eventually make your friendship Facebook official again as well. But in the mean time, I suppose it’s time to get to re-evaluating what friendship means to you – both online and offline.

The Month-Long Facebook Purge

thanks again someecards - no need to encourage my Facebook creeping

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times: it was the age of social media – a time where your friends are just a poke away, your social life is public domain and how you look in your profile picture determines how many dates you can get. Welcome.

With only a click, we can become instantly engaged to 500 of our closest friends or check up on the intimate lives of famous celebrities summed up in 140 characters. Everything and everyone is so accessible. I find out most of my news – local, national and even personal (happenings with friends or friends of friends) through social media.

So what happens when you disconnect from one of these major platforms for more than 24 hours? If you can even last that long? Well, I did it. I committed to over a month of Facebook-free life, and I live to tell the tale. But you may find yourself asking, why do it? Why purposefully sever an integral part of my life, one that feeds my inner gossip-monger and piques every single creepy curiosity? Ah, of course – the dreaded break-up.

When my last relationship ended, I spent the first 24 hours crying and then the next were spent snapping into survival mode. It was over, and to ward off the next few weeks of incessant “Facebook stalking,” I did what I needed to do: I deactivated my Facebook.  Was it because I have no willpower? Because I needed to prevent myself from checking-up on my now ex-boyfriend’s every musing and shared life detail? Well, yes and yes. Twenty-years ago, I may have called him and hung up, but now I had the new temptation to sift through photographs where he looked cute and decipher the hidden meanings of his statuses, hoping that they pertained less to a new lady and more to his devastation over our break-up. How is a girl supposed to move on when her ex’s face is plastered all over her news feed?

Answer: she can’t. And so, I embarked on this month long journey of Facebook detox, and I realized something – my world didn’t end. In fact, it kept spinning and I was okay; perhaps, even better than okay, I was happy. Perusing the latest news and photos on Facebook, I was constantly comparing my life to those carefully curated posts by my Facebook “friends.” Ah yes, there’s a friend on a cruise with her extremely good-looking, rich, doctor boyfriend having lunch with Ryan Gosling. Oh, and there’s a status update about a guy I used to go to school with announcing his new scientific discoveries on the moon and his subsequent Nobel prize. What have I done today? Oh yeah, I ate some leftover pizza, kissed my dog and didn’t cry about my ex-boyfriend. Wins all around.

After disconnecting from Facebook, I was less concerned about what others were doing and more concerned about what I was doing. The temptation to see what my ex was up to disappeared and that interest evaporated, as it was no longer presenting itself to me in updates on my news feed. And isn’t that the way it should be? I could focus on myself and not linger on the end of my break-up. Even more so, I was no longer baited by alluring statuses or heavily edited photos that my friends were posting, and therefore, no longer feeling as miserable. I forgot that each person has individual control over what they post, and obviously, they are only going to post things that portray their lives in the way they want to portray them. Facebook posts and tweets are heavily manipulated representations of our lives. If I want to come across as a spontaneous, fun-loving gal, I need only post photos and statuses of doing spontaneous, fun things. Similarly, if I wanted to garner sympathy or attract a sense of camaraderie from my friends over my current break-up, I could easily post broken-hearted statuses representing my side (and my side only) of the break-up. Essentially, we Photoshop our lives and only show the sides we want other people to see – deceptive and manipulative, maybe, but also very protective and defensive, naturally.

By no means is this necessarily a bad thing – I’m not exactly advocating for full-disclosure of your life’s every detail, good or bad (And there are those people who post too much. Do I need to know about the regularity of your bowel movements or read your comments as you live-tweet a funeral? No, I most definitely don’t), but this Facebook-free month allowed me to take a step back and re-evaluate why I was going on Facebook and what I was doing when I was on there.

When used for good (and not evil!), social media is a great tool for connecting to friends, but also connecting to communities all over the world. I didn’t need to use Facebook as a way for me to wallow in self-pity and misery. I was already miserable enough. What I needed to do was get offline and be with my friends – my REAL friends. Re-reading Facebook comments, looking at shared photographs and over-analyzing my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook statuses would not have been productive, by any means. Had I kept Facebook for that month, I have a feeling I would have held on to something that had already been long gone. However, de-activating my page was a sort of way of forcing me to start moving on and stop relying on social media to keep me engaged and connected with people, when what I really needed was offline support. Social media is fun, but being social is more fun.

True, I have since re-activated my Facebook. I’ll admit, I occasionally spend too much time reading statuses or looking through photos, but I try to remember why I use Facebook and keep it limited to those activities.  Do I Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend? Well… I realized, that is what the “unfriend” button is for – for now, I have learned to co-exist with exes of all sorts (boyfriends, friends, etc.) on social media. Until the next break up?...