When "Unfriending" Gets Personal

from everydaypeoplecartoons.com

When things go sour offline, should you make a change online? This is the sort of question I pondered as I realized that some of my Facebook friends were less “friend” and more “frenemy” of sorts. These people, once an integral and involved part of my life, now had drifted towards mere association and, to cue Gotye, perhaps even somebody that I used to know. They had at times been privy to my innermost secrets, thoughts and opinions, were up-to-date on all of the happenings of my life and shared many an inane inside joke with me. But now? The only entity dubbing us “friends” and maintaining that pseudo-connection was Facebook. So do I keep up the illusion of a friendship via internet or sever the Facebook ties?

I’m sure, if you’ve read a few of my posts, you would classify this as “classic Angela – overanalyzing a simple situation,” but in this age of overexposure, where everything in your life seems to be offered up for public consumption, I feel as though this is a legitimate question.

Let’s take Facebook (and other social media platforms in general) out of the equation for a minute. Let’s think back to when “poking” required actual physical contact and, in order to find out what your friends were up to, you actually had to speak to them and ask them what they were up to. If you were to part ways with a friend or eventually fade from each other’s lives, that friend would no longer have access to the details of your life: where you were last weekend, whom you’re dating, what your thoughts are on Kimye’s bun in the oven. With Facebook? You can go your separate ways and still know exactly what the other person is doing all day every day just by glimpsing at your news feed.

But do they deserve to know? When you no longer play a role in that former friend’s life, should they really be allowed to know that you just entered into a relationship with someone new? That you celebrated a new promotion? That your goldfish died and you are in mourning? These are moments and experiences that you tend to want to share with the most important people in your lives – friends, yes; frenemies, no. I find it a little harrowing sometimes that people with whom I’m not very close can know so much about me without even needing to talk to me. Granted, maybe that’s a sign I should change my privacy settings or even whittle down my friend pool. However, I think, in terms of cutting ties with old friends, that it might just be another step to letting go and accepting the end of a friendship.

It is really difficult when you reach the end of a friendship with someone – whether due to mistakes made, transitioning through different parts of life or because you’ve grown apart – and I think it can be just as difficult to sever that tie online. This is the last remaining tie to that person. At the same time, if they (or you) have chosen not to be a part of your (their) life, then maybe that means they should no longer have access to the online equivalent of your life.  After all, if they wouldn’t hear about it from you personally in conversation, then maybe they shouldn’t be able to hear about it from an online source. Sounds a bit like Facebook is a gossip monger, spreading news to people who wouldn’t hear about it otherwise if not for Facebook’s big mouth!

Okay, but I digress. I suppose my only hesitation in “unfriending” is the inevitable implications – that I am being dramatic about the ending of said friendship, that the other person would even notice (or that I even show up on my former friend’s news feed), or maybe that it might even add fuel to the fire (a fire I don't want to re-ignite or make worse - seriously). I am sad enough that I even need to contemplate this with people I once considered best friends, but like I said before, it just might need to be part of accepting and respecting their wishes and moving on. I don’t know.

What I do know is that if friendship is defined as “a friendly relation or intimacy” (thanks dictionary.com), then Facebook friendships are certainly stretching that definition. When your relation with someone is no longer friendly nor intimate, then it might be time to “unfriend,” and prohibit that person’s access to details that they would only get if they still were friendly and intimate.

Ah, yes – if this doesn’t make you long for simpler times, then I don’t know what will. Maybe one day, you and those former friends (and former Facebook friends) will find a way back to each other again and move past things offline and eventually make your friendship Facebook official again as well. But in the mean time, I suppose it’s time to get to re-evaluating what friendship means to you – both online and offline.