After approximately four years of living in a residence hall of some sort (give or take a semester or two), surrounded by a plethora of your peers, living in the happy-go-lucky college bubble, the concept of dating, for recent grads, has been completely distorted. In fact, if you think about it, we haven't even needed to participate in the whole dating ritual. All of our dating options have lived comfortably next door to us, down the hall, or just a hop, skip and a jump away for the last few years, making the dating process null and void, and essentially obsolete...
That is, until we graduated. What happens then? How does one meet a potential boyfriend/girlfriend when they're not served to you on a silver platter: attending a program your RA plans, assigned to work on a group project with you, or roommates with one of your friends? Cue the panic.
The dilemma that we, as recent grads face, is a very real one. Within two weeks of being a college freshman, I had a boyfriend. I plopped down in my sociology class, was forced to introduce myself to the guy next to me as part of some sort of activity, and then voila! Two weeks later, I had myself a full-fledged relationship with the greatest distance between us being the freshman quad. Does this sort of event happen outside of the college bubble? Eh, perhaps, but those people are generally crazy and shouldn't be trusted (just kidding...sorta). The truth is -- it doesn't -- and it's even worse when recent grads don't know where to begin. We haven't had to participate in the dating dance that post-grad life requires in order to meet a new person. Heck, you don't even really need to put that much effort into meeting someone and getting a phone number when you're in college. Chances are, you're already Facebook friends with that pseudo-hipster who just hit on you at the dining hall.
What's a gal to do when she finds herself with a lack of tricks up her sleeve, ill-equipped to handle the challenges that come with actually needing to engage in awkward small talk and make a move on a guy at a bar/concert/bookstore/anywhere? While I am by no means an expert in dating (although, I have had my fair share of meet cutes -- more on that another time), I suppose I can outline a few tips for the especially hopeless.
- Get used to making small talk with strangers: I get that this can be extremely uncomfortable for self-proclaimed introverts and people who lack social skills. However, if you want to meet people, you're going to have to talk to them. Unfortunately, most people don't possess telepathic powers, and therefore, you are going to have to resort to old-fashioned face-to-face conversation.
- Just start talking about anything... relevant: My general strategy for starting conversations with people is to be opportunistic. I have started many a conversation with someone while standing at a bar -- you're there getting drinks as are they (presumably), and while you're waiting for the bartender to get you that embarrassing pink drink you just ordered, you might as well chat someone up. Case in point, I was standing at a bar once to order a drink and the guy next to me said that he had been there longer than me. Being the sassy gal that I am, I decided to respond with a simple "I bet you he'll serve me first," which opened the flood gates. Comment on his drink, the fact that he's double-fisting two Cosmos, or even that Psy's "Gangnam Style" is on and some old creepy guy is attempting to dance to it -- anything. If he wishes to engage in this interaction, he will. If he doesn't want to? You're already drinking -- order yourself another one and move on.
- Don't take everything so seriously - this is dating, not a colonoscopy: I've heard the same complaints from my friends: "But dating can be so awkward!" They then proceed to pick out several outfits, over-analyze text messages and revert to 7th grade ways (i.e. "So, I saw this guy I liked. I think he's cute. He smiled at me the other day, but then today he didn't say hi or even look at me. Why didn't he say hi to me today?!" or better yet, "I can't talk to him first. Maybe I should chat with him on Facebook instead?") Let's be real, ladies and gentleman, dating is supposed to be fun. If someone likes you, great! If not, whatever, who's next (new blog title?!). Not everyone is going to like you, but when you find someone that does, don't stress out about it. There's nothing worse than someone who's got sweat stains BEFORE the date even begins. Relax. Have fun. Remember what a date actually is? Oh, you don't? Well, let me tell you...Prior to a date, both parties have, to a certain extent, expressed romantic interest in the opposing party. When this interest is made clear, a date is planned, and both parties attend the date in order to gain more information to determine whether subsequent dates should follow (as deemed necessary) and also to determine whether this opposing party could be a potential match for a romantic relationship. You go on your first date, and if you both have fun and want to know more about the other person, you go on a second date (novel idea, right?) If the second date isn't as successful, you don't go on a third date. If the second date is successful, you go on a third date. Revolutionary -- lather, rinse, repeat = relationship. It doesn't need to be so gosh darn stressful. I get that feelings can muddy things (damn those emotions), but you need to keep things in perspective. If you adopt a relatively carefree attitude, you won't come off as desperate, needy and flat-out annoying. Would you want to date someone who exhibited any of those qualities? No. (Sorry, no offense)
- Go on a real date: This is probably most important for people making the dating transition from college to real life (yes -- REAL LIFE). A real date does not include (and is not limited to): group outings, sitting in at someone's parents' house watching TV, Skype, etc. The point of a date is to evaluate this person's compability with you. You need to go out (just you two) somewhere that enables you to learn about the other person. Whether this learning experience happens over dinner and a movie, rock-climbing, attending a concert, going to a museum -- I don't care! There just needs to be the opportunity for good old-fashioned getting to know each other. Yes, a date can happen at a bar, but I would say that it is helpful to be able to hear what the other person is saying. A successful date occurs when you are able to go home later that night, know the person's last name, and know something about the type of person you just spent the last X hours with: what their interests are, what some of their goals are, what they like/dislike, their blood type (just kidding, don't ask them that) -- essentially, what makes them tick. What do you need to know about a person to determine whether you want to spend more time with them or not; whether you like them or not? Figure those things out, and then find it out on your date. It doesn't need to be philosophical, but go somewhere and do something that will reveal more about the person you've decided to go out with.
- You are a pretty cool person, and if someone doesn't want to date you, so be it: Of course, this is far easier said than done, but essentially, why waste your time with someone who doesn't recognize that you're an amazing person just as you are? The world's population is inching closer and closer to seven billion people every day (I just Googled it to double check), and you're hung up on ONE person who "is just not that into you"? You don't have time for that. You're too busy being awesome. Move on and find someone cuter (or maybe just more compatible).
There you have it. Some of the basics for post-grad life according to someone who has been unsuccessful in love thus far (eh, actually, that's debatable -- ask my boyfriend?). Maybe that diminishes all of my credibility -- but does it, really? I've been on countless dates, good and bad, but the fact is, I have dated outside of college. I've done it. It's worked! Eureka! What's even more miraculous about all of this? Despite some of the failed dates, missed connections, breakups and what have you, I still live to tell the tale -- and the thing is, you will too. So even if you have a bad date, keep trucking along. Eventually it will work out.
Eventually.
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